Again I put past any pain I was feeling and stayed stubborn and adamant that I was not to move my legs whatsoever. My leg began feeling the same deep amount of numbness after about 40 minutes of the same position and so I felt that a quick 10 second relief was necessary. This time I kept my eyes completely shut and decided to move my leg as mindfully as possible without disturbing my hands. With my eyes closed and concentrated, I was unable to tell if my leg was being lifted or not. In my mind I could feel that my left leg was being lifted to belly button height before being replaced almost instantly. It was only after I finished my session that I realised it was impossible for me to have moved my left leg in the way because my right leg was strongly weighed on top of it. But for some reason after this imagined stretch, I genuinely believed that my pain and numbness had relieved itself and sure enough it ended up being much more bearable.

The sitting is getting less problematic now than it was at the beginning and my ability to relax and concentrate has increased significantly which is an absolute liberation. The only real problem I currently have is with my right knee. My father has had an issue with his knees as long as I can remember and always got in the way of his love for sports and running. I’ve always questioned whether this defect would be passed down to my brother and I and I have now pursued asking myself that more. I first noticed pain in my right knee on my road trip down the south of India. When I was sitting on a bike in such a position for long periods at a time, I could feel an excruciating pain which simply wouldn’t disappear no matter how much I stretched or moved it. So when this same pain returned during my meditation I realised that it may be a bigger issue than I originally thought.

Sitting with a straight back was a separate issue which seemed to be an unachievable goal. Everyone else seemed to be able to manage it for a small period of time, but not me. It would be straight for one second, two seconds, three seconds, fou-ooh nope…It’s bend again. Why is just a simple task so darn difficult? I was stubborn and determined to fix this but my constantly bend back was making my back unbearable and thus making it more difficult to concentrate on meditating.

But I continued with my attempts. After 5 seconds I was saying to myself ‘Oh no… Too much pain… Will give in… Any moment now.’

‘No Luana. You suck it up! Acknoledge the pain. Accept the pain. And move on. It’ll get over itself like a crying child who’s not getting any attention for its tears.’

Must… Bend… Back.

‘No Luana. You can do it. Come on. I believe in you and I love you.’

And sure enough the pain actually did move on. It really did. It made me wonder why I seemed to find it so difficult for the past 4 ½ days now. It all seemed so simple. My back feels better. I feel better. I’m constantly smiling and everything now feels more official with the back, legs and arms. And it seems so strange to think that I GENUINELY thought that I might cave in. It’s a good thing that I didn’t.

I may not have focused as much of my attention on feeling sensations today by doing this, but with less back pain it should end up returning the favour in future days. I should be able to work harder and more efficiently.

My mind lets out a ‘Mmmm, yes Luana.’

Follow