The morning couldn’t have started any worse. I have a rumbling tummy and I’m much more fidgety than normal. There’s a huge chance that during my meditation that I may have fallen asleep for a few moments.

In the past few days I have moved a lot but I have been moving mindfully, so it’s okay. It’s acceptable. Today it’s not quite the same. I don’t think that I could have been jumping from position to position any less mindfully.

My eyes constantly open, gazing at nothing in front of me. I’m sweating disgustingly uncomfortable amounts. I’m angry with myself yet again.

And it doesn’t even get better after breakfast…Or lunch! That’s it. I really can’t do this. I might as well quit?

I am told with everyone else in the course that we should try to not move as much as we have been. On Day 2 we got a warning that soon we will not be able to move at all, so we should make the most of our available movement now. On one special day we were going to remain completely still. Originally when I heard this I chuckled thinking ‘Yeah right! Like that’s ever going to be possible!’ So I have it pencilled in my mind that I shouldn’t change my position unless it was really necessary. This was mission impossible to me as I was constantly moving. I would average at 30 leg changes on an hourly basis and everyone else seemed to be able to manage a congratulating 10. I was able to observe this given that my eyes refused to stay completely shut at all times. I was failing miserably.

Then at the 7-9pm we are told not to move AT ALL. The words ‘try’ or ‘if necessary’ weren’t used. It was compulsory. Out came my mental marker pen and I went over the pencilled ‘Try not to move’ and changed it to ‘DON’T MOVE!’ This is something that we were to have to do for an hour, 3 times a day at specific times. That’s it. My stubbornness kicks in and I refuse to move. And I didn’t. I stuck through the pain. I fought through the agony. I did everything I could mentally and I didn’t move other than once to bang my dead leg onto the floor a few times before continuing again. My legs were so numb that I was unable to physically move them with my own leg strength at all. I tried so hard but there was no movement. I had to get my hands and arms involved to physically lift them and drop onto the floor as quietly aggressive as possible. It was a weird sensation to not be able to feel or move anything below the waist but I knew it was because I did well. Really well.

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