I wake up tired. Again I struggle to concentrate this morning even though my body hurts less. I assumed that less bodily pain would keep me from fidgeting so much. This was not the case. If anything I found the need to fidget more.
As soon as the delicious breakfast food had filled up my stomach I am able to concentrate again. I am able to focus on my sensations which I am feeling in my triangular area surrounding my nose and upper lip. I feel like I’m getting somewhere.
Another meditation session later and I’m finding it difficult again. It’s so hot and all I can feel is the sweat dripping down my moist, warm body. I’m trying so hard to keep my mind on the task of feeling sensations but it’s getting harder with my mind only wanting to repeat the same song in my head, Plane by Jason Mraz. And here is where my mind and body releases further anger with myself.

I ended up talking to myself (In my head of course else that would be cheating. Not allowed. Against the rules) and I could hear a conversation with myself. At least I thought that it was my own voice. It feels so long since I last heard it. Though it seemed as first to be me arguing with my 14 year old self. It went something like this:
Come on Luana. Focus!
I’m trying. I really am.
Do you want to be here or not? Because it seems like you don’t. And if you don’t want to be here then you might as well go back to your room right now.
Okay, maybe I will.
And if you go back to your room, you might as well pack your things and leave.
Fine, I will!
Go on then!
No, I want to stay.
You’re not taking this seriously Luana.
I am. It’s hard.
Yeah, well life’s hard Luana. Get used to it! So are you staying or going?

And so I stay…

It was only at the end I realised that I was portraying my idol. The person who I admire the most in my life. The person who I would do practically anything for. The same person who I see as my best friend. The person I could tell anything to. This person is my father. And I know it was him I was portraying after I finished this mental conversation with ‘Well, pull my finger out then!’.

I absolutely adore my father to bits, as so it was not a surprise that I mentally used his to motivate me further. He’s the only person I would listen to. We’re so close and I appreciate this in life more than anything. I love the fact that I am able to discuss things with his which generally no one does in a father-daughter relationship. I feel this is what has brought us a deeper and more meaningful connection since I was 16. I believe he loves and appreciates our beautiful relationship just as much. There is nothing that I am more proud of.

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