Since Coimbatore, I have wondered a few things but delayed actually thinking about them until now. Why wait till now? Well I wasn’t going to waste time of fun to think. That would be ludicrous. Waiting for when you have little to no option other than to think on a 2 day train journey seemed more of a logical idea.
First thing which seems to ponder my mind, the more I introduce myself to others, is why I find it so easy to just bounce from place to place without any plan, any company or without even the intention of going to find company.
No matter how much I have to push that my life isn’t as crazy and dramatic as it seems, all people hear is ‘Hi, I’m Luana from England. I disappeared off to Brazil when I was 17 for 8 months to then move to London without a plan or a job. I then made a rational decision to book an unplanned ticket to India because I’m a massive hippy on the hunt for as much adrenaline as possible.’ And I really do try very hard to carefully choose my words to not get this image going through people’s minds. But maybe some of it is true. Why can I jump from place to place without a care in the world? It’s definitely not because I don’t care. Of course I care. But why do I tend to go into monotone sometimes when I speak about particular topics? It makes me feel numb inside when I realise I’m doing it. Emotionless, cold and numb. As if I have no feelings at all. Which is why I believe I don’t always get hurt so much when people have a negative comment to make towards me. Sometimes I have to stop myself and think ‘Hey Luana. What that person said was actually quite nasty. You SHOULD be taking offence and feeling quite hurt by such a comment’. But I don’t seem to. I just acknowledge that it wasn’t a pleasant thing to do or say and just ponder as to why someone would feel it was necessary to do such.
And I know it sounds like I’m saying that my heart is broken beyond compare because of my tough and strenuous childhood or past relationships which I have had to deal with. But this ISN’T the case! It may have given me a tougher shell but there still is a massive heart in me which is just waiting for the opportunity to spill all over the floor. Which is why I dislike how disconnected from my own body I can feel sometimes.
I’ve realised that generally I don’t like to get too close to people. Friends, I have always kept at a certain distance with only two or three really and truly knowing me as me. Deep and dark secrets included. Is it a fear of hurt or loss? Maybe even judgement? Keeping people far enough for no pain to be caused by actions or words?Maybe. This I am still unsure of myself.
Something else which has come to my attention is my lack of fear for general things in life. Like travelling across to another country without a plan or companion. This should terrify me! But I feel nothing. Walking in a random, unknown city late at night alone? I should be petrified and idiotic to ever consider this as an option! But I feel nothing. Why is it that I find it difficult to feel fear? I don’t even fear being alone.
I realise that when I do return to the UK, I will have no home, no job, no money and no plan. Scared? No, the anticipation of just arriving clueless at Heathrow just excites me. Just knowing that I might just live in a random city to ‘see how it pans out’ just brings an unstoppable smile to my face.
Maybe I just crave adrenaline and excitement in my life. Maybe jumping off my garden shed roof did hidden damage after all. Maybe I’m me, I’m unique, I’m perfectly happy as I am (even if I am yet to fully understand myself) and I wouldn’t wish for my crazy, adventurous, and fulfilling life to be anything else.
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